{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Otters see a butterfly.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
😂😂
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.