All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
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[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole