The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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i’m sure it’s fine
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.