Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
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I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.