I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
May never get over this
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.