ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
notice
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
is this store having a stroke wtf
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are