Yup….perfect score!
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*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
If looks could kill
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand