I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
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Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I only treason on days ending in y
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up