My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
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if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Pandas 🐼🖤
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.