In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
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[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Feels like the fourth month in January
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer