“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
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kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
When you’re here for the treats.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?