“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
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love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
When someone says you are so lazy
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea