There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
You Might Also Like
*ernest hemingway voice*
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
You had me at “define legal”.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.