Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
bout dat hot dog summer
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Seems a bit forward
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣