Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
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HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
i love modern commerce
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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