Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
You Might Also Like
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.