I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
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“you changed” bro i was 15
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.