Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Godspeed, John Glenn
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I bet birds love this building.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”