I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
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My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
what’s really going on
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”