Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
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VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.