every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
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I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Super Hand Dog Face
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.