Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
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Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Cow it started Cow it’s going
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.