Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
You Might Also Like
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
i hate you platonically
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Just a bush.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that