Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
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me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’