Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
very niche meme I made
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.