can’t believe I got front row seats
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Cat.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Does beer think about me too?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!