Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
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My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
#merica
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead