I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
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turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me when my alarm goes off
True
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry