[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
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*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Don’t talk down to me
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”