The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
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if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.