Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
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I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.