I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
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*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.