I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
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When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’m not alone. I have ants.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
See..?
.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.