Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
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When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
i’m still crying at this
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
need him
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw