[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
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I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.