“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss