*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
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My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.