I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
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Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?