[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
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Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I really had high hopes for this year though
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I’m giving up for Lent.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
The happy life.. 😊
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back