[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I’d use my best pan on you.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
(True)
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?