dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
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they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
New tinder profile pic
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*