hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.