This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.