me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there