[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
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can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.