Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest