At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift