Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
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The Others (2001)
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
<—- homeless romantic
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I am also baked goods
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs