Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
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When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth