Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
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Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.